So much I long to say, and so much that I can’t put into words.

There are still 11 days left to get through this month. Over 300 days to get through the rest of the year. I am already tired. My body is tired from the personal training that I signed myself up for earlier this month. My mind is tired from the seemingly endless deadlines that began the day I went back to work. My heart is tired from the constant battle against the bleakness that is always waiting to pounce. My entire being is tired from a week of dreaded insomomnia.

When things reach this sorry state of affairs, there are only two choices. Give up and let it all consume me, or push harder to find those last dregs of zen that I know are still somewhere inside me.

Quitting is not an option, not after all the hard work I have put in to keep my precious zen levels from drying up entirely. So that leaves fighting. Otters, jogs, Sims 3, vampire books, heart-to-hearts, intense gym sessions, cold Savannas on hot days, laughter, smiles from strangers, Jack Johnson, comedy shows, pink bubbly, purring cats, hope.

Additional, more drastic measures too of course. This may be the time to start looking for an assistant – even if it is remote for now. It’s also time to get realistic with those deadlines. More weekend, less stress.

It’s going to take a lot of effort and energy, and I’m not sure where that will come from. But however I do it, one thing is for sure. I need to find that balance again, and soon.

I finished last year on a burnt out note – literally. Exhausted, over-worked, unhappy yet hopeful. Somewhere on the amazing NYE spent in Piketberg with family and very old friends, maybe even before we cracked open the Moet, I decided that the next year would be different. While 2011 was not without it’s challenges (some of them almost too big to process), it was certainly different.

So without getting all retrospective and pensive about the year that was, instead I would rather look back on some of the best moments of this crazy, interesting ‘growth’ year… in no particular order.

A Few 2011 Highlights

* Getting my very first set of business cards
* Finally going shark cage diving
* Getting a Kindle
* Getting a washing machine
* Watching my hair finally start to grow, and changing colour often
* Going back to muaythai and starting yoga (even if I never stuck to either!)
* Vampire books
* Lost, American Horror Story and Breaking Bad
* Growing my business
* My amazing clients
* Client office party at Moyo
* Mangoritas at Cactus
* Getting a new heart tattoo behind my ear
* Redecorating my lounge
* Getting a wonderfully kitsch, authentic Trechikoff print
* Oysters
* Midnight sushi indulgence
* Yankee candles
* Great friends
* Epic shopping trips
* Letting go of a life’s worth of baggage
* Learning how to smile, even when things are shitty

There were many other highlights of course – I am on full holiday mode at the moment, and these were the best I could think of in my current blissfully dazed state.

A lot to look forward to in 2012, and although I am happy to finish off this year, I think it has been a big one in many ways. Hope you all have a fabulous NYE, and may the year ahead be all sorts of epic!

My first introduction to the new wave of revolution sweeping across the world was the protests in Iran a while back. Twitter was ablaze with incredible footage of angry people who were fighting for their lives to keep their freedom. Then came Egypt, which was even more amazing. Images of Christians standing in a protective ring around Muslims as they prayed have remained in my thoughts for a long time. When the army decided to stand with the people, the world realised that maybe there was a way for peoples voices to be heard. Libya was perhaps less of a success story, but by then it was clear that social change had given regular people the chance to stand up against dictatorships and regain their freedom.

So with all of this in mind, why is it that I have been less than moved by the Occupy Wall Street and subsequent Occupy movements over the rest of the world?

Part of it is the fact there is no clear point or message. People are not fighting for basic rights or even their lives, and for the most part, they seem to be fighting against The Man instead. These are people with smart phones and jobs for the most part, who are trying to save the world from corporations and those evil rich folk. The 99%, apparently.

What really bothers me however is that the media hype, huge turnouts for marches, massive amount of time, energy and funds that have come with this latest movement is pretty significent indeed. All for a movement with no clear end, and no clear objective other than to try and change a world that has been this way since the beginning of time.

With the vast number of NGOs and causes out there, and the millions of people who are starving to death in Somalia alone, not to mention the millions of people who have no food, no jobs, no home and no hope. There are cancer patients as young as 4 years old, and people taking to the streets to protest against no water, no houses and no help. Rhinos are being poached into extinction, township animals are being abused and abandoned. Children all over the world do not have access to even the most basics of food.

The biggest threat to humanity is not corporations, or even government – although they are doing their bit to add to the state of our planet. The biggest threat is that all of this is happening around us, and a large number of people are choosing to use their time to make a statement rather than actually doing something constructive.

Yes, social change is vital. But what about real change, that involves more than a sign purchased from an online store? Surely we are losing sight of the potential that we have to do something huge?

Maybe I have missed the point. Or maybe, this just isn’t a revolution that can free an entire nation.

From as far back as I remember, my mom used to quote the Serinity Prayer. Even though I knew the words however, the real impact is only coming through now. An ex boyfriend of mine even gave me a fridge magnet with these words on it, which is still sitting on my fridge. Maybe it’s that old ‘can’t see the woods for the trees’ thing, but lately, serinity is something I have been thinking about a lot.

For a very long time, I carried a world of hurt with me. All the loss, anger and sadness that I have experienced in life was carted around, like a monkey on my back. I would forget about the load during the good times, but as soon as the bad times rolled around again, there it was. Choking me, stifling me and suffocating me. It has taken me this long to realise that letting go really as easy as it sounds – even if getting to that point was far from easy.

Even then, it’s only been this year that I finally understood what serenity really means. It isn’t about pretending to be fine, or about putting up with the bad stuff. All it really is about is letting go and accepting that being strong is not about fighting off the universe – it’s about having enough faith to believe that things will be ok.

True calm comes with the acceptance of our lot in life. And with that acceptance comes a certain kind of peace. Right now, that peace is exactly what I need to weather the storms. A pinch of serenity, and a dash of faith.

It’s a good feeling.

Spring is well on its way to being sprung, and there are so many things I am loving right now it was hard to narrow down the list. Last spring I was all about pretty nailpolish and dresses, but this spring is more about comforts than anything else. Things that make my life that much better, and boost my zen just a bit more. Maybe it’s the Taurus in me, or maybe I just love things that make life better (who doesn’t after all?), but right now, I am all about the comfort.

So, some of my current favourite things (in no particular order) include…

1. Sweet things – after a very long absence, I have realised that maybe I am not sweet enough. Whatever the case, I am loving chocolate again, along with apple pie (like the delish one I had at Kirstenbosch tea room on Sunday), ice cream and er, Marie Biscuits. Long may it last!

2. Gotye – a friend put me on to this super talented and rather hot artist last week, and I have been playing Somebody That I Used to Know to death ever since. He is from Belgium, now an Aussie and is like a cross between Peter Gabriel and Sting. Just listen to that song and tell me that it’s not addictive!

3. My Kindle – it’s hard to imagine how I ever managed without this e-reader. While I love reading, I have never been the type who spends ages in bookstores, and most of my books were either ‘borrowed’ or pinched from my sister. My Kindle is super light, easy to hold and delivers books at super cheap prices within minutes. I love mine so much that I even got my mom one for her birthday this week.

4. My 1.5TB External HD – I’ve been needing a new external HD for months, and now I have more space than I could imagine (for now anyway). It’s not portable, but is still compact enough to plug in and use without too much hassle.

5. 80s Classics – on a related media note, I have recently been ploughing my way through some of the best movies of our generation. Top Gun, Willow, Princess Bride, Ghostbusters, Neverending Story and Return to Oz are just the start of my collection.

6. Jeans – ever since I found the most divine jeans at my favourite shopping spot, I have just not seen a reason to wear dresses. They are not quite ‘jeggings’ but they have a legging type wasteband. Not quite skinnies, but they are straightlegged. They fit like my old favourite TBY jeans, but are a gazillion times more comfortable.

7. Mangoritas – these never go out of date, ever. The mango-strawberry frozen margarita may just be a worthy contender however. While I love Cactus for many reasons, it is the frozen tequila wammies that keep me going back.

8. Greek – just like one long chickflick, Greek is a series that I really adored. Not that it’s anything like Lost of course, but it’s just the kind of light-hearted fluff that I have needed lately.

9. Perfume – the time has come to stock up my growing perfume collection, and while I have to admit that I ‘forget’ about some of my former favourites, it is so awesome to rediscover classics such as Chanel Chance to spruce up my mood.

10. Friends – as always, I am constantly grateful for having such amazing friends in my life. Friends who are always there to listen, who are there for me, and inspire me to be a good friend back are worth far more to me than any material objects. And for that, I am truly blessed!

What are your current favourite things this spring?

Every step I take, every move I make
Every single day, every time I pray
I’ll be missing you
Thinkin of the days, when you went away
What a life to take, what a bond to break
I’ll be missing you

I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. It’s funny how some songs take you back. Like watching a music video of life flashing past… all those moments, experiences and memories. Sometimes I think that it will always be hard, while other times I can remember without those tears that start to burn, no matter how hard I try and avoid them.

I think the truth is that I will never stop missing you. And that is ok. You were such a huge part of my life, and there will always be a hole in my heart. You were a part of me after all. There is no amount of time that can erase a lifetime of memories, and losing you meant losing my childhood and youth too.

But much as I will never stop missing you, I know that you are always still with me. The lessons you taught me, and the things we shared together made me who I am today, and while you may not be here to walk with me through the good and bad times, maybe I needed to learn how to walk alone.

No-one said that life would be easy. I would still go through everything I’ve been through if it meant having the chance to have you in my life, even for a short time.

A bond like that is forever, and nothing can break it.

You will always be in my heart.

September has always been one of my favourite months. It was this time last year that I made one of the biggest and most rewarding leaps of faith ever, to go freelance again. And today also marks the fourth year that I have been in the Bo Kaap. Perhaps it’s the promise of spring, or the beginning of the rollercoaster ride toward year end. I don’t know – this month it feels like a change of pace, and a sense of renewal.

I am off for a whole, glorious week until next Thursday. All I plan to do is catch up on sleep, read a few Kindle books, watch some series, get out and have some fun, get back to yoga and do all the things I am never able to do during my usual crazy work weeks (and working weekends, of which there have just been too many). Normal stuff, that makes me remember what life is supposed to be like, to make up for all the madness of the past few months.

Today, I’m having lunch with one of my bestest guy friends, and then I might get my hair done. Tonight, it’s cocktails and possibly oysters. Tomorrow, after yoga, I’m going shopping with my mom. After that, I will be winging it.

So yes, a Serene September is just what the doctor ordered. A month of zen boosting will give me enough energy to get through the rest of this year.

Osumness.

The other day I got myself a beautiful Mu and Me notebook. For so many years I have blogged all my thoughts, and yet it doesn’t seem that long ago that I was a teenager recording everything in battered school diaries, covered in stickers and glitter and pictures. Actually, that was many years ago – almost half a lifetime ago if I am going to get specific. So long ago that today, my handwriting has regressed into an almost unreadible scrawl. I miss those days though… there is something so soothing about pouring your heart into pages that only you will see.

Over the past few months, I have struggled to blog. Maybe there have been too many things that I just can’t share. Perhaps all the stress, deadlines and doubt have blocked that channel. I don’t know. What I do know is that now I have a book again – a pretty one, with flowers and butterflies and plenty of space to cover in my regressed handwriting. Stuff that is too much to put out there into the interwebz, and too hard to say out loud.

A book of thoughts. Dreams. Fears. You know, *those* thoughts. Even though my hand starts to ache after a mere sentence or two, I will keep putting those thoughts down.

I guess it’s a happy medium between bottling them up and spewing them out. The way diaries were always meant to be before we started needing others to read them too.

On the plus side, that means I can save all my happy thoughts for Roxilla.

T’was Grace that taught…
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear…
the hour I first believed.

On Monday last week, my maternal grandmother passed away. She was very old, and had been sick for a few weeks. She went peacefully and quietly, with my mother and her sister by her side. It was not the type of death that I have had experience with – no shocks, no pain, no accident, murder or unfair illness. There was no anger, or fear. She simply slipped away, in the most natural way of finishing this life. The cycle had come full circle, with a clear beginning and final ending. It has still been sad, but there is such comfort in knowing that that cycle had given her a good, long life and that it was all part of a bigger picture.

When I look at my mother, and I remember my grandmother, I can see how much of a legacy she has left. Her strength, compassion, respect for all living things, sense of humour, work ethic, kindness and humility have been passed down to my mother, and those are the qualities that I want to be passed down to me, to pass down to my children when that time comes.

At the service last Thursday, one of the hymns was Amazing Grace. For the first time, the words hit home. If my gran could be summed up in one word, it would be grace. As an Irish Catholic, she would have been happy to hear that hymn. We learn so many things during our journey through life, not all of them good things. If I can keep striving to become someone like my gran and my mother, then all of the hard lessons will help me become someone who can one day leave a legacy as the strong, good women in my family have left.

Ultimately, that is what I think we are put here on this earth to do – learn and teach. My journey has only really begun, and there is still so much I need to learn, but slowly I am starting to feel like I am getting where I ought to be.

My gran might not be here anymore, but she will be with me forever, and that is what life and death is all about.

1. Sawyer and his frowns

2. Sawyer and those dimples

3. Sawyer wet and shirtless

4. "Don't tell me what I can't do!"

5. The crazy, brilliant plot

What are your favourite things about Lost?