Roxilla

So much I long to say, and so much that I can’t put into words.

There are still 11 days left to get through this month. Over 300 days to get through the rest of the year. I am already tired. My body is tired from the personal training that I signed myself up for earlier this month. My mind is tired from the seemingly endless deadlines that began the day I went back to work. My heart is tired from the constant battle against the bleakness that is always waiting to pounce. My entire being is tired from a week of dreaded insomomnia.

When things reach this sorry state of affairs, there are only two choices. Give up and let it all consume me, or push harder to find those last dregs of zen that I know are still somewhere inside me.

Quitting is not an option, not after all the hard work I have put in to keep my precious zen levels from drying up entirely. So that leaves fighting. Otters, jogs, Sims 3, vampire books, heart-to-hearts, intense gym sessions, cold Savannas on hot days, laughter, smiles from strangers, Jack Johnson, comedy shows, pink bubbly, purring cats, hope.

Additional, more drastic measures too of course. This may be the time to start looking for an assistant – even if it is remote for now. It’s also time to get realistic with those deadlines. More weekend, less stress.

It’s going to take a lot of effort and energy, and I’m not sure where that will come from. But however I do it, one thing is for sure. I need to find that balance again, and soon.